And the winner is...

After watching the following quartet of films in the last two days:

1. All Things Fair (1995)
2. Private Property (2006)
3. Twentynine Palms (2003)
4. Lifeforce (1985)

The winning film, by a landslide, is 'Lifeforce'!!! Why? Why this whacked out post-Poltergeist Tobe Hooper 80's sci-fi film? Nay, not because it's better plotted nor is it better acted. Nay! The reason this 1.5-star (at best) mastersuck wins is because you get about 30+ lingering shots of French hottie Mathilda May's hoo-has and fur-tang! Nevermind the *exploding space vampires*, wretched over-acting by the notorious Steven Railsback, or hilarious shots of Patrick Stewart spewing blood that congeals into the shape of naked woman! What matters is that this is the film that I saw on cable at age 8 and was forever mesmerized by Ms May's lovely C-cup treasures. A boy lovingly scarred? Yes! But also a MAN REBORN into the comforting bosom of a NAKED SPACE VAMPIRE!!!

And if you're thinking this is some b-movie schlock hokum, it's not... like I said, this is some big-budget sci-fi/horror here... A lost work of art? Mayhaps in 30 years 'Lifeforce' and 'Innerspace' will receive the revisionist treatment of say, 'Howard the Duck'? Lea Thompson almost making out with a man-sized duck (aka midget in a duck suit)? Come on! Genius!

Therefore, I shun the other three Euro films with their emotional resonance (Private Property - Go Isabelle Hubbert, Go! Find me something she can't act the shit out of! I challenge thee!), life lessons (All Things Fair - As much as I admired the film, is it weird that I couldn't get over the fact the the director filmed his own son having sex naked? Wtf?), and pretentious allegorical operandis (Twentynine Palms - Oh, Bruno Dumont, how I wish I didn't think you were such a wanker!)

And CF, lemme just say that I could write a manifesto on Dumont's work (Any of you seen 'L'Humanite'? Talk about watch checks!) that would literally be a litany of self-gratifying abuse. That, or potentially 'I'd love to see Gaspar Noe, Bruno Dumont, and Catherine Breillet collaborate on the sequel to either 'Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle' or 'Mannequin 2'' and try and make them shocking and disturbing treatises on base human behavior! Dare I dream? Dare I?'

What does irk me though is that all three of those directors' films sound fascinating in concept but actually watching them blows some serious ace. It's just such a let-down when the movie in your mind of their films is exponentially more potent and incisive than what they actually put together... Sigh... Oh well...